A Day in the Life

Ok, so “A Day in the Life” might not be super accurate. It’s more like “how SSA shows up in everyday life” or, “what SSA is like in a practical sense.” This isn’t just a thing I think about on occasion and say, “Well, now that I think about it, I guess I’m still gay.” It’s a daily experience, in my face throughout the day, every day—not because I’m any more sex-driven than the average bear, but just because sexuality is such an impactful and powerful part of human life.

The point here isn’t to dig into every sexual thought or feeling I’ve ever had, or to get into lust or fantasies or whatever. This also isn’t a gripe list. I don’t have a monopoly on suffering (and also lots of it isn’t suffering ha ha). If you feel inclined to pity me, don’t (and re-read Why I Stay).

The idea is just to be open enough to help outsiders see how real same-sex attraction is, in a concrete, practical way—how much it affects, and how strongly, and how often. It’s also for other guys like me out there, letting you know you’re not alone in what you’re feeling and how you experience the world.

So this is going to be just like a big list of a lot of the ways SSA shows up in my life day to day.

But first some disclaimers:

• Some explicit content. I mean, we’re talking about how sexuality shows up in my daily life, so it’s not all going to be PG…but also we’re talking about me, a guy who’s not struggling with porn or masturbation, and who’s never had sex or gotten anywhere close, with anyone, so it’s probably at most PG-13:).
• Some of this is vulnerable, and normally pretty private. I just feel like somebody’s got to talk about this openly enough to make it more real for some of you. Sexuality is usually pretty private, but if I didn’t actually open up, this post would be pretty useless.
• Some of this might be surprising to you, and you might read something and think I’m talking about you or an experience I had with you. That might be true. If it makes you uncomfortable in any way, let’s talk about it. I’m trying to be helpful, not lose friends.
• This isn’t everybody’s experience, it’s mine. I’m attracted to guys. I also really love God and I approach this stuff with a desire to keep His commandments. It’s not a faith struggle for me at all. I feel masculine, and I don’t experience gender dysphoria. I’ve never had any kind of romantic or sexual relationship with a guy. Not everyone will identify with what I say, and that’s ok. My experience is what I know, so that’s what I have to share.

Ok, The List

Childhood Memories

• Getting those store ads in the mail as a kid and definitely being more intrigued by the men’s underwear section than the women’s.
• Looking at a Playboy magazine as a kid, up in the tree in the park with your brothers and your friends, and being repulsed by the pictures but turned on by their conversation about getting hard.
• Reminiscing about your childhood and realizing/remembering the guys, and the way you felt or still feel about them, and how that’s different from and more than how you felt about the girls.

Media

• Seeing heterosexual romance in movies
  • Paying more attention to the guy, even if the story is being told from the woman’s perspective.
  • (I’m picky about not watching things with sex scenes, but short of that) when they start showing some skin, not really being concerned about hers, trying to not be too interested in his.
  • Those seemingly obligatory shots of the guy with his shirt off…yep, definitely noticing those
• Seeing guys develop deep friendship or romantic feelings in movies
  • Deep, visceral connection that you don’t feel when watching straight romances
  • Awareness, because of that visceral connection, that I have to be more careful with this stuff than with other media, so I don’t make life harder for myself
  • Appreciating more than others the real value of deep platonic relationships between guys
• Noticing all the objectification of men’s bodies in media (yeah, it’s all over)
• Caring more about how attractive actors are than actresses
• Seeing guys in relationships on social media—can be tough, induce a little FOMO
• When you’re tempted by sexually inappropriate media, it’s guys not girls

Exercise / The Gym / Sports

• Going into the gym, noticing all the attractive guys, trying not to stare too much, basically not seeing the girls (even the super fit ones)
• Hearing your buddies talk about how much skin is being shown at this gym, agreeing…then realizing they weren’t talking about the guys:)
• Swimming, working out, doing whatever sport with buddies, loving the bonding time and the exercise, also enjoying the view but trying not to enjoy it too much or make anything weird
• Teaching swimming, trying to get your friend to take the plunge and wear an actual lap-swimming suit, trying to do that for only the right reasons (because it actually matters) and not just because you want to see them in it
• Locker rooms—belonging there, but having attraction mixed into the picture, so of course you’re noticing the guys around you, but you try your best to keep things normal, not stare too much, stay in admiration territory more than lust territory.
• Sports & sports movies—liking some sports, and/but always having to navigate this mix of enjoying the sport for its own sake and enjoying it because of how great the guys look in all their different uniforms, be it football, wrestling, gymnastics, swimming, cycling, running, whatever. Debating—“do I like this because of the sport, or the attractive guys in attractive uniforms…or both?” “Can I still legitimately enjoy the sport even if attraction is inescapably mixed in there?”
• Watching dance—I mean, the girls look great, and they’ve got great moves, but they’re just girls. The guys are guys, though:)…why are there only 2 or 3 on stage?

Dating

• Not being driven toward physical affection with a woman
• Not having that fire for her that she wants (and deserves) to feel
• Going on a few dates on personality, etc., but eventually feeling meh
• Looking at family pictures or meeting family and realizing you’re more attracted to her brother than to her
• Apps—scrolling through bunches of girls, not super excited about any, swiping up (or right) occasionally…then thinking…”If these were guys, I’m pretty sure I’d enjoy this a lot more.”
• Going to singles activities and realizing you really just want to get to know a couple of the guys there…but of course they’re just there to meet girls.
• Liking a girl, but feeling repulsed by the idea of being intimate with her, or even very affectionate
• Going on double dates and paying more attention to the other guy than to your date
• Hanging with a friend and his girlfriend, being a little jealous of the time she gets with him
• Being excited for your friends when they get engaged or married…but also knowing you’re moving down the priority list, and maybe basically losing a friend
• Watching friends or family celebrate milestones with their children, wondering if you’ll ever have kids of your own, because you totally want them, want to be a dad, maybe even want to be a husband, but have a hard time wrapping your heart around being that intimate with a woman

Relationships with Guys

• Making good guy friends and feeling so close to them but always wanting to be closer, and having to negotiate the fact that attraction is mixed in, and doing everything you can to make it not matter, to keep it contained on your side so it doesn’t affect the relationship (whether you’re still closeted, or just trying to keep it to friendship, whether the guy is gay or straight).
• Making a new friend and being head over heels about him but generally not being able to talk about it, and having to rein it in and make sure you keep it to just friendship, and at whatever level of friendship the guy is good with (yeah, friend boundaries are normal—it’s the head-over-heels-ness and the attraction mix-in that aren’t)
• Making a new buddy and then losing him, not because he’s uncomfortable or doesn’t want to be your friend, but because his wife is jealous, even though he’s straight
• Having to navigate the overlap of sexual attraction and normal same-gender bonds/connection and how the overlap magnifies both
• Loving hugs and other affection from guys, also realizing that they matter more to you than to many other guys
• Being in India, learning and seeing that guys there hold hands and walk around with arms around each other’s shoulders all the time, wishing it were more like that in the US
• Watching other guys being touchy with each other, especially in sports, like with the butt slap, and wanting in on that, also being scared you’d mess it up because you like it too much or in the wrong way.
• Seeing those attractive guys kissing that day outside the gym and being a little blindsided by how much it throws you

Everyday Miscellaneous

• At church, at the store, in restaurants, at school, at work, the gym, the car next to you, running or cycling on the road when you drive by—noticing the guys rather than the girls.
  • Women do a lot of work to dress up nice for church, but it’s the guy in some nicely fitted clothes and a sharp haircut that you’re noticing
  • Who cares about a girl at WalMart in her running tights? It’s her boyfriend also in his running tights that is really distracting!
  • Why is that Chik-fil-A cashier so attractive?
  • Wow, those are some amazing blue eyes at the next table!
• Being at your neighbors’ house, the wife coming out of the bathroom in her bra because she doesn’t know they have company, and none of you really worrying about it because you all know you don’t care
• Showing up at some other neighbors’ house in the middle of the guy’s haircut, with his shirt off, and caring more about that than the aforementioned bra:)
• Noticing something really attractive about a guy (smile, haircut, muscles, clothes, personality, whatever) and really wanting to compliment the guy on it, generally holding back because you don’t want to risk making him uncomfortable
• When guys’ flies/zippers are open, noticing faster and more often than the next guy…I mean, that can be helpful, right? Because yeah, you were looking there
• Noticing what kind of underwear guys are wearing…not really caring what girls are wearing…preferring not to know or see
• Shopping for underwear, swimwear, and other sports gear, having to be careful that it doesn’t stray into shopping for something else…
• Having opinions on fashion not because you’ve learned what works intellectually but because you know what you like to see
• Body image – evaluating how good you look, but it’s different, because your body is the same kind of body you yourself are attracted to, you know what’s attractive, and you know whether you fit it or not
• Wet dreams – often just super random and not even sexual, but if there’s a person involved, it’s usually a guy

Service & Blessings

• Being more sensitive when a guy is having a hard time—naturally noticing, and caring
• Loving elder’s quorum, mission companionships & companionship inventory, being an ordinance worker—because of the special bond you feel with your brothers in the gospel
• Feeling a personal mission and greater ability to minister to men, to care for and love them in ways men often don’t do for other men (but that most men need from other men!)
• Feeling an extra measure of the bonds of brotherhood, in lots of contexts

Wow, that took a long time to come together! It’s crazy, when you try to organize it a bit, to realize how interconnected everything is, as well as just how much of your life experience is touched in some way by sexuality—which I think is just as it should be. Sexuality is a wonderful thing (even when you’re not having sex). Even if some parts of this experience are difficult, a lot of it’s kind of awesome. I mean, attraction feels good, and most of the stuff I described occurs (or can occur) without sin, or lust, or even real temptation, so the positive feelings can be enjoyed without either shame or guilt, and often they can be harnessed for motivation to do good.

I’m interested in hearing your reactions to all this. How did you feel? What did you learn? How was it helpful (or not)?