He’s Not Heavy, He’s My Brother

All of the questions I’ve gotten so far have been about how people can best understand, support, involve, include, and reach out to the same-sex-attracted people in their lives, especially as a straight person, so I’ll jump on that for this second post.

First of all, I’m grateful there are so many of you out there who want to be supportive, and who are willing to ask how to do that! I’m going to let you in on a little secret–if you’re asking that question, especially if you’re asking the person you want to support, you’re already taking a great first step. The fact that you’re on this blog and reading this article means you’re already asking.

So let’s get to some answers. Let me preface my answers with a couple notes/caveats:

• These are my answers and not the be-all end-all. I can speak from my own experience and from the stories I’ve heard from many friends, but I’m one person, and I’m not all-knowing. This will probably be most relevant for supporters who are believing Christians, especially members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and especially those supporting same-sex-attracted guys.
• There’s no simple solution or secret sauce. Some things I say may seem simple and straightforward, but the detailed answers of what will help each person most are going to be as many and varied as the people themselves. Just as with supporting someone in any other situation, I think it’s more art than science. Don’t throw it all out because you don’t like something I say–consider, evaluate, and then use what you can use.

I’ve structured this as a list/outline of DOs and DON’Ts for Before, During, and After you find out someone in your life experiences same-sex attraction.

Before

Whether you know it or not, I can say with almost 100% certainty that someone in your life is same-sex attracted. From statistics I’ve seen, it’s likely that in any group of 100 people you belong to, there are at least 3 or 4 people who experience same-sex attraction. So let’s start with how you can support them—the LGBT people in your ward/congregation, family, workplace, social club, gym, etc. that you don’t yet know about.

DO:

• Be respectful as you share your opinions on related topics. You can have strong feelings against others’ viewpoints or actions without putting them down or being unkind.
• Be more curious than judgmental as you learn about others’ lives.
• Assure others (especially children) that they can talk to you about anything, and include SSA in the list of examples.
• Express love to people around you, and make it clear that if you found out someone close to you were gay, you’d still love them.
• Break the silence—learn to talk comfortably and openly about SSA when it comes up (and it does). When you’re listing off trials people deal with or different ways people experience life, mention it sometimes.
• Become someone who “gets it” (as much as you can without experiencing it)—make an effort to learn about our experience, and do it now—so when that person close to you comes out to you, you’re ready.
• If you’re a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, make sure you’re familiar with mormonandgay.churchofjesuschrist.org–know what the Church’s actual position on this stuff is, and make sure you’re not holding to bigoted or homophobic stances in the name of the Church that aren’t actually backed up by the Church.
• Speak out against abuse, neglect, and discrimination (like parents disowning their child over this, or adverse treatment at work).
• Speak and act like you would if a gay person you loved were standing there (and they might be).
• Once you “get it,” help others. Give them feedback when things they do or say come across as unkind or insensitive (publicly when it may be helpful for others who heard them). [1]

DON’T:

• Don’t make derogatory or disrespectful jokes about LGBT people, or use words like “gay” as a generic (or specific) put-down—no matter who’s in the room.
• Don’t walk on eggshells—if you’re doing your best to be kind and respectful, you don’t need to live in fear of accidentally or unintentionally offending us.
• Don’t talk about SSA or gay people in a shaming way, express pity for their families, etc.
• Don’t ask somebody if they’re gay, especially in a teasing way. There are some situations and relationships in which asking in a loving, respectful way would be appropriate and helpful (listen to the Spirit), but for the most part, just focus on being a safe person for them to talk to when they feel ready. Be even more careful at work.
• Don’t assume someone is gay just because you think they fit some of the stereotypes, or that they’re not because they don’t. We come in all shapes, sizes, and personalities, with a full range of interests, abilities, and mannerisms.
• Don’t list same-sex attraction as part of a list of temptations or sins that people struggle with. It doesn’t belong in a list with pornography, addiction, infidelity, or anything like that, any more than cancer, dislike of mushrooms, or a sense of rhythm belongs in such a list. You can be tempted and sin in response to attractions, but the attractions themselves are just part of how you experience life.

During

This section is specifically for the moment when someone chooses to “come out” to you, whether that’s in a face-to-face conversation or something less personal/individual, like Facebook:

DO:

• Thank them for sharing—for trusting and valuing you enough to open up to you about something that (though it’s getting easier in some ways) is probably pretty hard for them to share. Someone’s vulnerability is one of the greatest honors you can receive—you just got a great gift!
• Believe and validate them.
• Say “I love you.”
• Give them a hug.
• Reach out and hold their hand or put your arm around them as you listen, unless you know they wouldn’t appreciate it.
• Assure them that nothing needs to change about your relationship with them.
• Ask questions! Be curious! They’ve probably been hiding and holding this in for years—it’ll feel so good to share, and your active curiosity will help them know their sharing is safe and wanted. This is also just a great time and opportunity for you to learn! Here are some things you can ask about:
  • What it feels like and how it affects their life and relationships.
  • What it has felt like to keep it a secret.
  • How they’ve been able to deal with it.
  • What they plan to do / how they plan to live in response to it.
  • How they’d like you specifically to support them.
  • How they’d like you to help others support them.
• Swallow your pride, preconceived notions, fears, and any initial negative reactions. This is not the time for you process your issues around this topic—there will be time for that later. Right now is the time for you to listen and receive and make sure you stay in the group of people they feel safe talking with about this.

DON’T:

• Don’t freak out.
• Don’t go silent or refuse to respond.
• Don’t deny, minimize, or make light of what they’ve shared. Don’t tell them they’re not gay or that they’re confused or deceived. They’re not making it up, and yes—it is real.
• Don’t ask stupid questions (there are some—or at least insensitive, unhelpful ones), such as:
  • How did this happen? Usually there’s no answer, and it’s a pointless question.
  • Anything about sex preferences, like “Are you a top, or a bottom?” Gross. Do you ask your straight friends stuff like that?
  • Have you tried to like girls?
  • Are you sure?
• Dont’ give advice or act like somehow you’re more of an expert on this topic than they are. If you don’t experience it, sorry, you’re not. And now is not the time for advice.
• Don’t assume anything about what they’re going to do in response to this—ask. Don’t assume they’re going to live any differently than they ever have—just because this is new for you doesn’t mean it is for them (it’s not). Also don’t assume they’re not going to live differently—again, ask if they haven’t made it clear.
• Don’t vocally grieve/mourn the dreams you had for them that may not now be realized. If you feel like you have something to grieve, you need to process that at another time, and with someone else. They don’t need to carry that weight on top of the burden they’ve already been carrying for years.
• Don’t look for any way this could be your fault, or look for anywhere to place blame. It’s not your fault, and it’s pointless to follow this line of reasoning. [1]
• Don’t tell them you already knew, figured, guessed, etc., or at least just be careful with this one. When you’ve been working hard to hide it, it can be hard to hear that it didn’t work.

After

Ok, so now the big, dramatic moment is over, and now you know. What does support look like now?

DO:

• Realize that this is a long-haul kind of support situation. For all but a very few, same-sex attraction doesn’t change or go away, so plan on being supportive for the rest of their life. [1]
• Check out my Resources page.
• Keep confidences. If they’ve asked you to keep it to yourself or haven’t given you permission to share, keep it to yourself.
• Help and encourage them to connect with others like them, especially those who are a little further along on the journey and are dealing with life in healthy ways. They need to know they’re not alone, and talking with someone who really knows “what it feels like” can be amazingly meaningful and helpful. If they’re a child, go ahead and set up safeguards like having them meet with such a ‘mentor’ with you present or within your line of sight, and choose someone you trust not to influence them negatively, but don’t isolate them out of fear that talking to someone else like them could ‘make it worse,’ or make them ‘more gay.’
• Find ways and times to bring it up, and don’t avoid it when they bring it up. This shows that you care, and that you’re not afraid of it (or them).
• Keep asking! No matter how long you talked in that coming-out moment, you aren’t close to knowing their whole SSA story (and even if you did, they’ll have experienced it and added to that story every day since you talked). Dig in. Be curious.
• Joke about it. Bring in the humor. As long as they know you’re on their side and laughing with them, this is a great way to relieve the tension and, again, show you’re not afraid.
• Ease off on pressure about dating and marriage. Think about doing that for the straight singles you know too:).
• Encourage them in their commitment to live the gospel, and assure them that their hope for happiness and peace in Christ is well founded in His promises. Happiness in the gospel with/despite SSA is possible and worth working for. Just like with humor, though, you’ve got to be on their side—not just preaching. If they aren’t planning on sticking with the gospel and keeping their covenants, respect their agency—but it’s ok to still express your own love for the gospel, and to lovingly let them know that/why you won’t be able to celebrate some of the things they choose. [1] Also, if you don’t believe in God or His commandments, recognize that if they do, they’ll be happiest living in accordance with what they believe, and encourage and strengthen them because you love them.
• Encourage them as they seek to deal with their SSA in righteous ways, even if some of those ways are unconventional and maybe foreign or uncomfortable for you at first. Encourage their efforts to form close (maybe closer than normal) friendships, and work on being more comfortable with guys being unconventionally touchy or affectionate with each other (this isn’t as much of an issue for women), separating cultural norms (where many kinds of touch between guys are taboo) from actual gospel standards (where the only thing really forbidden is sexual relations). You don’t have to personally engage in touch you’re not comfortable with, but broaden your perspective a bit about what is ok between others, and maybe try a bit more touch yourself. You might like it:).
• Realize that gender and same-genderedness matter, and that the overlap of our sexual attraction with our same-genderedness and same-gender bonding needs creates a unique experience you probably don’t understand. Whereas for straight people the two things stay basically separate in complementary buckets, for us they overlap and mix and multiply each other in ways not analogous to something you experience. I’m attracted to men but I still belong in the men’s locker room and with male roommates. Me being in a locker room full of men isn’t the same as a straight guy being in a locker room full of women, and I don’t belong in the women’s locker room any more than he does. I’m a man, and I still belong with other men despite the direction of my attractions. I can’t be cut off from both genders!
• Deliver on your assurances that nothing needs to change about your relationship because of this. If you’re a friend of the same gender, this is especially important. Because of the way our same-gender bonding needs and same-sex attraction overlay and magnify each other, same-sex friendships can be really important, and also the ones we’re most afraid of losing—afraid that you’ll run away because you think we’re attracted to you.
• As you learn how to support the people in your life, help others learn how to support those in their lives. [1]
• Learn to accept and let go of the things you can’t control about their life. Respect both God’s timing and their agency (right to choose), and allow them time and space to figure things out, trusting God to take care of them where you can’t (or shouldn’t).

DON’T:

• Don’t break confidences. If they haven’t decided to share this with everyone yet, DO NOT share it with anyone they haven’t given you permission to share it with. It is critical that they get to be the one who controls who knows and how they find out. This includes not even telling your spouse. I’m serious.
• Don’t avoid the topic or just never talk with them about it again.
• Don’t assume it will go away, or wait for a while and then start acting like it was just a phase and has gone away now.
• Don’t talk to them or especially pressure them about dating and marriage as if SSA weren’t a thing and their experience were at all the same as for straight people. If they’re dating, don’t ask things like why they haven’t kissed yet—that’s likely to go on a different timeline than it would for you!
• Don’t start policing all of their relationships or treating their relationships with people of the same sex (including those with SSA) as dangerous or morally risky. We may be attracted to people of the same sex, but we still have agency, and we’re also totally capable of having healthy, platonic/non-sexual relationships with people of our same sex, and we still need those. If you’re married, your relationship will be healthier and happier if you both have strong same-gender friendships, so encourage them for your own sake rather than impeding them out of fear of infidelity.
• Don’t presume that you have the right to control who they share this with, or when. Also get out of your head that it’s something to protect others from. No amount of hearing others talk about it will make someone gay, and SSA is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.
  • If you’re a parent, don’t tell them they can’t tell their siblings, including their younger siblings. Guaranteed, your other kids are already exposed to this—why not be with them as they seek to understand it, and use this as a great opportunity to talk about it, instead of leaving them to figure things out on their own in an area where Satan is focusing a ton of his deceptive ability right now? Also, don’t be so sure that one of your other kids isn’t experiencing SSA as well—wouldn’t it be sad to miss an opportunity for those siblings to support each other in this journey, from the earliest age possible?
  • If you’re a church leader, don’t tell them to keep it quiet. Sure, if they’re spouting false doctrine and encouraging sin, by all means curb that—but if they’re just being open about how they experience the world, and especially if they’re trying to figure out how to stick with the gospel, or if they’re sharing their experience with SSA as a way to testify of the truth of the gospel, get out of their way! Most likely, you have several other SSA members of your ward who need to hear their testimony, need to hear this talked about, need to know they’re not alone. [1]
  • If you’re a spouse, if your spouse is ready to share, don’t be the person holding them back, especially out of your own shame, fear, or embarrassment. Sure, there’s grace on this, and your SSA spouse will hopefully be cognizant of and patient with the fact that you also need time to deal with this, and you haven’t had the years they’ve had to come to terms with it, but please—be working on it. That said, you don’t get to tell them they can’t share. Ask for time, if you need it, but recognize that you don’t own your spouse, and you’re asking, not ordering.
  • If you’re an employer or co-worker, there’s no need to even touch this, unless somehow the person is harassing others or causing some real threat to the success of the business. Barring those things, what they talk about with others at work is nobody else’s business. Healthy work cultures let people be open about themselves and celebrate diverse backgrounds.
• Don’t express or act on invalid assumptions (I wanted to say don’t make them, but we all do that). Just because you’re attracted to people of the same sex doesn’t mean you’re a pedophile, unsafe with kids, struggling with your testimony, not temple worthy, acting on SSA in any way, not fit for certain jobs or church callings, etc. It also doesn’t mean you automatically like rainbows or unicorns, that you hate sports, or that you’re more sensitive, musically talented, creative, or whatever. Any of those things could be true, but inferring them from the simple fact that someone is gay is logically indefensible and also not fair or helpful.
• Don’t treat them differently because you now know they experience SSA.
  • If you’re a family member, don’t shun them, disown them, kick them out, refuse to participate in family events they attend, or forbid your kids from interacting with them. There’s no gospel or Church support for it. [1][2]
  • If you’re a friend, don’t drop them, bully them, or get all awkward. If you’re a friend of the same gender, don’t assume your friend is attracted to you, but also try to wrap your head around this—your friend might be attracted to you, and that can totally not matter, just like it hasn’t mattered for the 5 years you’ve been friends. If it’s there, the attraction didn’t just now start. Don’t go reinterpreting past or current interactions with “is my friend into me?” goggles on. If your friend is anything like me, he probably is attracted to you, and that’s part of why you’re his friend, but he’s also been working hard to make sure it never mattered, and he wants to keep it that way. He may not be able to help that some of the ways he interacts with you aren’t things a straight guy would do, but don’t get awkward like he’s hitting on you unless he actually is, and even then, you could just give him a little helpful feedback and not get awkward or worry about it unless he doesn’t respect your boundaries.
  • If you’re a church leader, don’t release them from their calling or avoid giving them certain callings. A guy can be attracted to men and still be totally safe (and maybe even more effective in some ways) to work with young men, boys, or men in the ward. Experiencing SSA doesn’t make a person any more likely to sin or hurt someone. Obviously if someone’s doing things they shouldn’t, corrective and preventive/defensive action is appropriate, but if they’re not, they’re worthy of every blessing, privilege, calling, and service opportunity open to other worthy members of the Church. [1] [2]
  • If you’re an employer or co-worker, there really isn’t any part of work or employment decisions to which SSA is relevant. Treating employees and co-workers differently based on either their sexual orientation or their behavior in relation to it (other than harassment of other employees) is indefensible and all-around not ok. You’d be hard pressed to find any situation in which it had any bearing on how well they perform at their job. Just be normal and supportive and don’t make things awkward.
  • In any capacity, don’t make them a project. Love them and be sensitive and watch for when they need your help, but don’t baby them, pity them, pray for them in every public/family prayer, etc.
• Don’t disrespect or minimize anyone’s choice to live a life of faith and obedience despite experiencing SSA. You may disagree on faith and values and commandments, but you can respect their commitment to live what they believe.
• Don’t give up or be quiet about your own faith and values in order to support people. You can disagree with someone’s beliefs and actions and love and support them at the same time. If they’re sinning (according to your beliefs) or struggling with their faith, you minimizing your faith or allowing it to diminish in sympathy doesn’t actually serve either of you. [1]
• Specifically for believing members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints trying to support people like me, who love the gospel despite experiencing SSA—don’t apologize for Church leaders when they teach doctrine about marriage, family, and chastity, even very directly. I love those leaders and the doctrine they teach, no matter how difficult it may be for someone like me to live, and your criticism of them won’t feel like support.
• Don’t assume that support looks the same for everyone. For example, things like pride parades and rainbows are meaningful to some people, but they aren’t at all for me. If you’re creating LGBT ally groups and diversity support initiatives at work, keep that in mind and make sure you’re actually being inclusive of all of your LGBT employees, rather than just a subset (I don’t usually feel represented by employers’ LGBT initiatives).

Finally, despite the novel I just wrote (and you somehow made it through), don’t make this all so heavy that you can’t carry it. Don’t stress yourself out trying to support everyone perfectly in all the ways they need it or would like it. Just do your best (or however much you can muster below your best, if you’re a perfectionist), and trust God and others to help carry the load. If I could sum all of this up in one word, it would be “ASK.”

Whatever else happens, know that your efforts are appreciated, no matter how small! Just that you got to the bottom of this post pretty much means you’re an awesome person:). There’s tons to be done, and so many people to help, but never underestimate the impact of even the smallest things you do—even just a smile or hug can save a day or a life. You matter! Thank you so much for caring, for asking and listening, for just being there!