Why I Stay

As I start this blogging journey, especially with my focus on the coexistence of my experience of same-sex attraction and my deep love for God, I think it’s important to begin with why I have chosen the road I have—why I choose to remain a devoted member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints despite the fact that I’m attracted to men, and always have been.

I’ll sum it up this way, then expound on each:

1. I know God lives and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is His church
2. The positives I get from staying are too good to give up
3. The alternative is too empty and costs too much
4. My life is not my own

1. I know God lives and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is His church

First of all, you have to start by understanding that I know God lives, as well as I know anything else.  For some of you, whether religious or not, that’ll be a foreign or unreasonable or indefensible idea.  If you want to understand me, though, you have to start with that as a basic premise.  It’s not because I’m not a logical person, or that I’m uneducated, or because I hate science, or even because I’m just not intelligent—none of those things are true.  I know God lives, and I’ve come to know His character and His existence through personal experience with Him throughout my life, to where I’ve got more evidence for it than really anything else I’ve learned or come to “know.”  I know that I have a Savior, Jesus Christ, who loves me and who sacrificed greatly so that I would have time and space in this mortal life to learn and grow.  He empowers me, heals me, fixes the things I mess up, and teaches me the right way to go.  The Holy Ghost is my constant companion, teaching me, guiding me, comforting me, and connecting me to God.  The influence of these three in my life, and also the Church I know they personally lead, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, is too pervasive and has been too critically impactful for me to possibly deny.  They’re too much a part of me, and too actually factually real to me for me to ever walk away from them and not know I was betraying real people and true ideas and principles.

Along with knowing the existence of God, I also believe that there is truly objective right and wrong, good and bad—principles and ideas that are universally true, and bigger even than God himself, universal laws by which things are governed, created, and destroyed, by which God himself must abide to be what He is.  I don’t pretend to have full understanding of all of those, and I think our human understanding is often quite limited, but I nevertheless believe in universal, objective moral and physical laws, and I believe it is only by living in accordance with these that we can have the good outcomes/consequences/results we seek in our lives.  A major role of the Church, especially the current Prophet and Apostles, is to help us understand these laws and their application to our current circumstances to help align ourselves with them.  Though again our understanding is often limited, the laws and truth of the universe aren’t something Church leaders get to make up or change—just do their best to help us understand.

So, with all of that, to start with, I think you understand that any appeal to me to be “authentic” or “true to myself,” or any attempt I make in that vein, would be complete garbage without acknowledgement of the central importance of God and His Church to who I am, how I see myself, how I understand the universe, the vision I have of and for myself, and my deep inner, personal desire to be like God and live with Him again.

2. The Positives are Too Good to Give Up

Despite all the negative talk in the LGBT community about religion (especially conservative religions) and the seemingly generally accepted assumption that if you’re gay, your only church-involved option is to be miserable and repressed, I actually truly, deeply, authentically, sincerely LOVE my life in the Church and LOVE my church community!  I do see gay sex and relationships as mutually exclusive with full participation in and enjoyment of the blessings of the gospel (and I don’t expect that to change anytime soon, either in my own heart or in Church doctrine), so it is a choice between the two—here’s why I choose Church over sex:

• My Church Community:  Sure, they’re not perfect, and a lot of Church members have a long way to go in becoming more loving and understanding toward people who are different than they are, but for the most part, they’re trying, and the sense of community found in the Church of Jesus Christ is like nothing else!  As I’ve opened up about same-sex attraction, my local congregations have been overwhelmingly loving and understanding and supportive.  But really, what an individual member says or does in regard to my attractions doesn’t really matter—I belong here, and I belong whether they think I do or not!  I love being part of my Church community, serving in callings (whether it’s leading the men’s group or playing the organ, keeping records or my favorite—working with the young men’s organization), praying, singing, giving talks, teaching lessons, sharing my testimony, ministering to and caring for other members of my ward, feeling their care for me as they minister to me.  It’s a critical part of providing the social, emotional, and spiritual connection I need with others to thrive and be healthy and happy
• The Temple:  I wish everyone could and would go to the temple and feel what I feel there!  I LOVE the temple!  It’s a place of love and peace and quiet and connection.  It’s not always a mind-blowing, earth-shattering experience–sometimes (way too often), I’m sleepy or not as focused as I want to be, and it doesn’t instantly solve all of my problems–but there is always this sense of quiet peace, peace of mind and soul, and often much more.  I feel this great love there, from God for me and others, and in me toward God and others.  In the temple is where I feel the most unencumbered, the most free from distance or resistance in my relationship and communication with God.  I get answers to prayer and feel His love and reassurance.  There’s nothing I know of that is more liberating or more empowering than feeling deeply and unfetteredly connected with God!  I also sometimes have great moments of connection with ancestors whose ordinances I perform there, and great connection with other temple patrons, whether friends, family, or complete strangers, connected by a unity of faith and by serving our ancestors together.  (If this is new or unfamiliar, click here to see photos and understand more about the temple).
• The Priesthood:  As an Elder in the Church of Jesus Christ, as I remain worthy and keep covenants I’ve made, I have the honor and privilege of representing God in performing ordinances and giving blessings.  When I give someone a blessing, whether it’s for healing, comfort and/or counsel, or as part of an ordinance, I get to be the mouthpiece of God!  Let that sink in a bit.  I have the privilege and the very challenging responsibility of being the voice of God, saying what he would say and blessing them as He would bless them if He were here in person!  And no, it’s not just me making stuff up and saying what I think they want or need to hear.  I do my very best to get myself and my own thoughts completely out of the way, and then I listen, and through the Holy Ghost I am given words to say, or sometimes images or ideas to describe, or feelings of how God feels about them.  I’m serious about this.  There’s nothing you could give me that would convince me to give up the chance to have God’s words flow through me like that!  Even if you don’t believe that’s a real thing—just imagine it.  If you experienced something like that, would you want to give it up?
• The Holy Ghost:  Just after I was baptized, I was given the gift of the Holy Ghost, with a promise that as I kept my promises to God, the Holy Ghost would be a constant companion to me—and that promise has been fulfilled and has had a profound impact on my life.  Seriously, this gift is everything to me!  Unless you’ve experienced it, I don’t think you can fully grasp just how far-reaching this is.  He comforts me when I’m sad, magnifies the joy I feel, motivates me, and refines and guides my thoughts and feelings.  He teaches me new skills and helps me develop new ideas, and not just religious ones—He helps me at work, with math, with writing, with design, with understanding how things work.  He helps me know right from wrong, see the consequences of my actions, and discern the light or darkness that people carry in their lives.  He gives me little nudges or promptings to do or say things that end up blessing my life and others’ in awesome and unexpected ways.  He connects me with God and helps me feel when I’ve created resistance in that relationship.  His influence elevates and magnifies the good in every endeavor, every relationship, every conversation, every experience, every moment in which I let Him be with me.  I’m not perfect, but I try to have that be as many moments as I possibly can.  I’m just not willing to give that up, or to intentionally put myself in relationships or situations He can’t be part of.

3.  The alternative is too empty and costs too much

Ok, so now for the other side of the coin.  What am I giving up?  Bluntly, sex with men and/or marriage to a man, both of which are considered “serious transgressions” by the Church and would likely result in church discipline that would limit my access to most of the positives above (even without formal discipline, though, I see them as violations of the eternal nature of sex and families, which would lose me the companionship of the Holy Ghost). Along with those I forego dating men or developing romantic relationships with men (including romantic touch of whatever level), because I see them as pointless if you’re specifically not pursuing sex or marriage.  I should also note that I’m NOT giving up (and there’s no need to) any non-romantic/non-sexual intimacy or closeness with men.  I still get to build close bonds of friendship and brotherhood with other men and be close to them emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, socially, and even physically—it’s just the sex, marriage, and romance I’m going without.

I think I have to start out by admitting that I’ve never had sex (either with a man or a woman) and have never been married or even close, so there is some degree to which I don’t and can’t actually know what I’m missing. I count that as a good thing, because I think things might be more difficult otherwise.  That’s not to say that it’s easy—it’s not!  I’m not asexual.  I’m pretty sure my sex drive, arousability, and feelings of attraction are as strong as anybody’s.  The pull I feel toward men I find attractive is a pretty constant reality, and sometimes it’s annoyingly strong.  As portrayals of romance and especially romantic touch between guys have become more prevalent in film, TV, social media, and in real life around me, I’ve experienced more of how deeply, strongly, viscerally I relate to and am drawn toward those feelings and relationships.  Also, though I haven’t had sex, I’m a normal man, and through both early struggles with masturbation and the normal wet dreams of a celibate guy, I know at least part of what sex feels like.

So let’s say I chose to act on my attractions and have sex with a man.  To make sure it’s not an unnecessarily cheapened experience, let’s say this is a guy with whom I already have a strong bond emotionally, intellectually, etc.  I imagine that it would feel at least as good as what I’ve experienced in the past, though I don’t see how the physical feelings would be all that different or better.  I imagine that there would be a huge layer of especially emotional intimacy to the experience, fueled by physical and emotional vulnerability.  There is a lot I would like about it, and about having the sense of connection and one-on-one belonging I could see it bringing.  I could see myself really enjoying interacting with someone like I’ve seen gay couples interact. 

But that great stuff isn’t the whole picture.  While others with different backgrounds may be able to experience such a situation differently, because of what I know, believe, and value, I could never feel at ease or at home in such a situation or relationship.  I’d be constantly aware of betraying what I know to be true.  I’d be a huge pile of cognitive dissonance (the discomfort of mismatch between our actions and our beliefs), and while others might be able to change or ignore their beliefs enough for that dissonance to go away, at least enough to be bearable, my knowledge of the truth of the gospel and of the doctrine of the family and marriage between a man and a woman, my knowledge of God and what He expects of me, is too strong and too big to be changed or discarded.  So my physical pleasure and all of the joy and positive emotion of a relationship with a man would be accompanied by a clamorous dissonance that wouldn’t let me rest.  On top of that, I know that the Holy Ghost, whom I so value as a companion and who enriches all of my other relationships, would not be able to be with me in this relationship, and my union with this man I loved would be inescapably lesser in quality because the Holy Ghost couldn’t be there to enrich it.  Add to that that I’d be giving up most of the positives above, and that my faithful family and friends’ (though loving and understanding) rightful concern over the eternal consequences of my actions couldn’t help but limit some aspects of my relationships with them, and suddenly this option isn’t sounding too good. 

I’ve had a good taste of this before, when in my early teens I struggled with addiction to masturbation.  As much as I ever wanted to justify it, and as good as it ever felt, I would never want to go back to the feeling of doubleness I felt then, the lack of integrity or integration between my actions and my values, the distance I felt from God, the comparative (though not total) lack of the companionship of the Holy Ghost.  At least to some degree, I know what life feels like with sexual sin included, and I’m not interested in going back there.  I haven’t been perfect since Jesus helped me kick the habit at 15, but when once in a great while I mess up again, I feel the contrast immediately, and I feel like a fish out of water until I’ve resolved it with my bishop.  I just won’t go back there!  It’s not worth it!  I have way too much to do and give and experience—my mission in life is way too important—to be spending time separated from God, unable to hear His voice and unable to be His voice and hands for others.

In the end, it’s like when Christ asked the twelve in John 6:67-69:  “Will ye also go away?” and then “Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go?  thou hast the words of eternal life.  And we believe and are sure that thou art that Christ, the Son of the living God.”  I seriously don’t see any viable alternatives.  There’s no way sex or marriage with a guy is good enough to be worth what I’d have to give up and go through to get it!  You show me another path where I can act on my attractions and also have the same or a greater extent of true happiness, both present and eternal, and maybe I’ll take a look.  Pretty sure you’re not going to find it. 

4. My life is not my own

As I was thinking about this post during the Sacrament, I think on Easter Sunday, I realized I needed to add something more about how Christ and His atonement factor into this. As much as the world wants to tell me that it’s my life and I can do whatever I want, whatever I think will make me happy, I know the truth–that my life is not my own, because it has been bought, with a price of blood and of deep anguish, a price of love deeper than I can imagine or comprehend, a price paid by my Savior Jesus Christ. It is His volunteering to pay that price that protected my agency (ability to choose) from the beginning, and it is His sacrifice that makes it possible to exercise my agency to learn and grow through errors and mistakes and sins without them making it impossible for me to return to live with God. What a betrayal it would be for me to take the thing He died to give me and turn around and beat Him with it by making choices that block me from the joy He gave everything to make possible! I owe Him a debt too big to ever repay, and He doesn’t ask me to repay it, but to come and follow Him, to obey His commandments, to build His kingdom, to act in ways that will allow Heavenly Father to give me the eternal life and happiness that is the end goal of all They do. I will not betray Him, or make His gift meaningless. I will do the work and make the sacrifices I need to make to return to live with Him and Heavenly Father.

And that’s why this is my chosen road.